Chances are, you’ve seen toxic positivity. Catchphrases like “Good vibes only!” and “Failure is not an option!” can be found almost everywhere. But whether you’re browsing Pinterest, reading overly optimistic Instagram captions, or looking at stickered Hydroflasks, the message is the same: Keep your chin up. Things could be worse.
Toxic positivity is the assumption that despite the emotional pain a person is going through, they should only have a positive mindset. While it seems good-hearted in nature, toxic positivity can have real consequences, especially when repeated in the echo chamber that is social media. Unlike optimism, toxic positivity completely ignores the negative experiences a person may have. In doing so, it invalidates the challenges that a person faces and makes them question if their suffering is really as bad as they think. In other words, toxic positivity is emotional gaslighting, with a side of oversaturated Tumblr mood boards and sunset stock images.
In other words, toxic positivity is emotional gaslighting, with a side of oversaturated Tumblr mood boards and sunset stock images.
During the pandemic, I often felt as if the mental health struggles I faced were insignificant compared to the devastation of the virus. People had it much worse—why should I be complaining? Instead of finding an outlet to express myself, I bottled up my feelings and let them fester. Looking back, I realize that what I did was not only foolish but harmful. The toxic positivity that I had seen plastered everywhere had manifested in my own thoughts, and I denied my feelings about the pandemic: anxiety, despair, hopelessness. I became snappy and angry for no reason whatsoever, hurting my family in the process. I withdrew from my friends, refusing to confide in them because it would ruin the perfect expectations I had of myself.
The supposed goal of toxic positivity is to make you feel less bad about your problems. But internalizing those messages had the opposite effect: I grew angrier because there was no way to release the sadness I held on to.
Here’s the bad news: toxic positivity lurks around us, both externally and internally. Growing up, conversations with my dad would always go south when tears got involved. Showing any extreme emotion would typically get me a brick-wall response: “Don’t cry. There’s no need to. It’ll be okay.” After hearing this, I usually just cried harder. Even though my dad tried his best, he never addressed the root of the problem, only caring about the symptoms. Don’t get me wrong—I’m incredibly grateful to have been raised in a caring household. But the toxic positivity that separated me from my father is responsible for the internalized guilt I still struggle with today. My father, like so many other men, grew up believing in the “macho man” stereotype that prides itself on suppressing emotion and hiding vulnerability. Sound familiar? I can only imagine how much harder it is for men to communicate their negative emotions and navigate past toxic positivity.
Not only does toxic positivity damage your mental and emotional state, but it also wreaks havoc on your physical state too. According to Dr. Jaime Zuckerman, a clinical psychologist, failing to effectively process emotions can cause disrupted sleep, increased substance abuse, prolonged grief, and even PTSD.
Unlearning toxic positivity is key to processing your emotions—whether they’re positive or negative. Even though it may seem easier to block out grief and trauma, suppressing these emotions will only make it harder to move on in the long run.
It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to have bad days.
One takeaway I learned from the pandemic was acceptance. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to have bad days. But the most important thing I learned was that my feelings are valid—and that I should really consider counseling if I’m taking life advice from an Instagram caption.
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